Well it’s been a while since I’ve written on here, life got crazy and a lot has changed in the last few months. Honestly, I’ve felt the happiest I have in a long time. Yet, there’s an overwhelming sense of sadness hitting me this week, not too surprising considering we’re about 4 days away from Christmas. Each year, as we approach Christmas, I get the same pit in my stomach as I realize once again, it’s another holiday without my mama here. This year, Christmas looks a whole lot different than before.
I met a boy 4 months ago, who has quite literally turned my whole world upside down (in the best way possible). I returned from my trip to Chicago in August, to the news that there was a wild fire ravaging the towns surrounding where I lived, it was devastating to so many, but little did I know despite that, it would bring me such joy. About 2 weeks after the fire started, a blue eyed mountain man walked into my work; he was a friend of my best friend Tyler, & I told him to “hook it up” sort of jokingly. Nevertheless, he did just that and look at us now.
I moved to the mountains to live with him, and it was the best decision (minus the whole 8 feet of snow we just got, I’m not sure I’m used to that yet). He is kind, funny, and treats me like a princess. I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve such a wonderful human, and I only wish that my mom could have met him. She would have loved him, that I know.
I think that’s truly the hardest part about this Christmas, I don’t get to share him with her, or with my family, nor do we get to see his family. We both have to work, so we’ll get time together in the morning before work and then we will get to hang out with some friends we have up here in the evening- it will be a new Christmas tradition.
I think my point here is, I miss my mom more than anything. Christmas was always so incredibly special with her here. I will always remember opening one present that was always a new pair of pajamas, and then we’d cook a piece of ham, before heading off to Christmas Eve services at the church above our house (that tradition filtered out once we moved to the US), and then come home and eat ham sandwiches before hurrying off to bed and waiting to see what Christmas Day would bring.
Christmas Day was always a day of laughter and giddiness in our house, even as my sisters and I got older. We’d make coffee or tea, croissants in the oven and then settle down in the living room to open presents. So much changed after she died, it just wasn’t the same. Even the Christmas’ that we got to spend together as a family in the years since she passed, just haven’t quite brought the same joy and laughter that it used to.
I now know that so much of that, comes from my mama, she was the one who brought the joy and laughter into our home. Whilst, it still lingers in the three of us (my sisters and I) and in my dad, there’s something missing- her. I hope that one day I’m able to create that special feeling for my own children.
This week is incredibly hard, I’m feeling the weight of my grief heavier than usual. Maybe because I know I have to work, and face a whole bunch of happy families coming to ski and snowboard on their Christmas Day, or maybe just because I’m once again reminded that I don’t get to share a Christmas with my beautiful mama again.
So, I’ll keep working, and I’ll keep loving this wonderful human I get to live with, and maybe this year I’ll start to feel a little bit of that Christmas joy I used to feel because he brings me joy every day and I like to think that maybe, just maybe, my sweet mama had something to do with that.