I’ve been trying to write a blog post for about a month now, but honestly I’ve not had the time or even the emotional capacity to put my thoughts into words. I’m still not entirely sure I can.
2020, marks a new year, the start of a new decade: one in which my mama has never lived. She will never see another year start. Lately, I’ve been feeling numb. I still have emotions. I still get sad thinking about how much I miss her. Yet, the only way I can describe how i feel, is numb. The ache in my chest is still there, weighing just as heavy as that day we said goodbye.
I’m sitting in my car writing this, listening to the playlist i created for mama. A collection of songs that make me think of her, some we played at her memorial and just some that I know she loved. They pretty much all make me cry.
This year has already brought some incredible, life changing opportunities (more on that coming soon), but as I find myself at a bit of a crossroads I’m struggling more than ever to accept that she is not coming back. I finally settled into a beautiful house, surrounded by people who care about me, with my fur babies yet I feel like something is missing. There is. She should be here. I should be calling her to ugly cry down the phone with good and bad news. I should be calling her to ask for advice. I should be calling her to tell her about my day. Or texting her pictures of the animals doing silly things.
Even now I’m seriously struggling to put my thoughts into words. All i know is i miss her, I have so many things running through my head..so many questions, thoughts, worries, none of which I can run to her about. If i could have just one more day. One more day to tell her i love her, to hug her, and to ask her how I know I’m making the right decisions in life.
I have no idea what this decade is going to bring? In another years I’ll be 32 years old. 15 years younger than her when she died. What will my life look like then? Will i be married? Have children? Finally have graduated college? (That ones debatable). But the thing i want to know more than anything, will the ache in my chest still be as big? Some days it really feels like there’s a brick on my chest, the grief weighs heavy. Today is one of those days. I like to think i handle it well, and then I just shut down in private. In my own company, I embrace the crashing waves as they come down over my head, drowning as I try to catch my breath before the next one. I literally cannot fathom another 10 years without her, how have I made it a year and half?
It still feels so surreal. Some nights i lay in bed, and as I’m drifting off to sleep, all of a sudden I come crashing back down to reality with a jolt. As i relive those last few months, that last day, those last minutes with her. The tubes, the wires, her fight to not leave us. Then i get really mad, because she should be here. I still need her, how is it fair that i need her and i don’t get her. I’m still so angry.
Last year was the hardest year of my life, the first full year without her, but also a year of so many other challenges, some I’ve shared and some I’ve kept internalized: all these challenges have hurt me yet also made me stronger. My hope that this year is different, that I find even more things that make me smile and bring me joy, that I continue to surround myself with people who love deeply and care about me. Last year i spent way too much time with people who treated me as though i was a doormat. Never taking the time to dig deeper and get to know me for the person I am. I may still be learning about myself, but I know for sure that this year, I won’t let others walk over me. Mama raised me better than that. I miss her more each day, I may not write as often but there is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish she was here. So this year I’m channeling her, my inner warrior and hope I make her proud.